


Psycho

by StarryNightLight50



Category: Arrested Development
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Humor, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, One Shot, Swearing, slight mentioning of adult stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-04
Updated: 2018-09-04
Packaged: 2019-07-07 00:59:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15897660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarryNightLight50/pseuds/StarryNightLight50
Summary: A slighlty bitter therapist gets visited by unusual clients.Written in first person. Bit of a rollercoaster through heavier subjects and humorful fluff.





	Psycho

**Author's Note:**

> I want to thank everyone who's read, commented or left kudos on my other works, it's really appreciated! And a thank you in advance for reading this fic.

 

Sometimes I wonder why I even got into this line of work. Was it some form of God complex? Thinking I needed to save people? That I can solve everyone’s problems? Years and degrees richer I’m also an illusion poorer. You can’t help people. You can only guide them and even that only if they let you, If they’re willing to change. I think I just wanted the attention, to be needed, to be someone’s hero without ever having to talk about myself. That just blew up in my face.

 

I don’t get why they make you spend years in school and rob you of your money when it all boils down to this: be kind to yourself, be kind to others and don’t let your head get in your way. It’s all a bunch of stuff your nosey neighbor could’ve told you: Scared? Confront your fears. Sad? Go do fun stuff. Happy? Nah, just kidding, no one’s really happy, at least not for long and never fully. 

 

Heh. It might be true what they say: ‘only crazy people become psychologists’.

 

So here I am, in my fancy office, staring down the time as another rich pretty girl complains about not being pretty and rich enough. What was I thinking starting a practice in the O.C.? These people don’t need saving, these are just a bunch of people who never met any real hardship and seem to find meaning in drama, searching for troubles to fill a void. It only proves my point: even if you have everything going for you, people still can’t be happy. Maybe if we all just stopped simultaneously demonizing and glorifying pain and sadness, we’d all be better off.

 

Well, I guess except for me though. I’d be out of a job.

 

‘’…and,…and,…..Tiffany just always puts me down, but she’s my sister, you know? I can’t ignore her!’’

 

The lady in one of the two chairs across from my comfy chair looks at me with desperate eyes, like only I can help her. I sigh internally. Wasn’t this what I wanted? When have I become so bitter about this? Where has my empathy gone?

 

‘’That is a very valid question, Misses Frankley, but I’m afraid we’ve run out of time. But I’ll leave you with this: what kind of sister do you _want_ her to be? And how do you think you can achieve that? Some food for thought until next time.’’

 

The woman nodded her head frantically, thanking me over and over again, and I didn’t even give her an answer, just deflected with another question. But I can justify it by saying that she has to find these answers on her own. I don’t know if I truly believe that or if it’s just something I’ve been taught to believe.

 

The woman is finally out the door, so I can ask my secretary over the intercom when my next appointment is. Please let me have time for a quick break, maybe time for a quick cigarette.

 

But alas: couples therapy. Great. Probably an hour of bickering back and forth about who always cleans the dishwasher and who puts his socks next to, instead of inside, the hamper. The names don’t ring any bells, well, Bluth is a notorious name, and I must’ve spoken to every single one of them at least once in my many years of practice. Those people were truly a mess. But I can’t remember having met a ‘Gob’ before. Heh, who knew there were more Bluths?

 

I go and look up their forms, to be at least a bit prepared before they walk in the door. Huh, says here Gob is the eldest Bluth prodigy and apparently in a gay relationship with this mister Wonder. Both are magicians….is that really a profession? Do people still watch those? I’ll write a note to my secretary to make sure no checks bounce.

 

The reason for their troubles is not really listed, what really isn’t uncommon if people don’t want to say too much over the phone when they make an appointment. But if that’s the case, there’s usually a blank space below the question on the form, and not this giant question mark. I’ll have to ask around who took this call, cause what kind of information is this?

 

‘’Miss Young? Your three o’clock appointment is here.’’ Funny, I hadn’t even heard my assistant walk in. I take a deep breath to center myself, leaning a bit back in my chair.

‘’Thank you Kitty, please let them in.’’

 

\---

 

I know people think my whole profession is just talking a lot. But the truth is, is that what’s _not_ being said is way more interesting. People lie, to others and themselves, but your body language and your actions always give you away.

 

It’s really uncommon to see a couple so happy at the beginning of therapy. Which means they’re either in denial or too stupid to solve simple problems. No telling yet which one it is.

 

‘’So, Mister Wonder, Mister Bluth, welcome.’’

 

They’re sitting next to each other, knee to knee, holding hands and there’s a look passed between the two. The PDA could be a sign that they are in their honeymoon phase. Could also be that one or both of them is craving for either attention or affection. God dammit, I’ve got to stop doing this; trying to figure out things I can just as easily ask.

 

‘’First things first, my name is Miss Frieda Young. I’m a clinical psychologist with a specialization for couples counseling. I’m also a sexologist.’’

 

That seems to be funny, because they all but giggle. Men. They’re all so juvenile.

 

‘’Well, we don’t need help in _that_ department!’’ The one  who introduced himself as Gob says.

 

‘’Nope! We have the gay…eh, _normal_ sex under control.’’ Tony adds.

 

Hm. Okay. Interesting wording. Making a note of that.

 

‘’That’s fine, ‘’ I normally always introduce myself, have a standardized speech prepared. It makes people at ease and it’s just straight up good manners. But these guys seem already zoned out after I even mentioned my name. Figures that the word ‘sex’ immediately took their attention. If I want this session to be any productive, I need to have them do as much of the talking as possible or else they’ll probably lose their attention.

 

‘’If you have any questions about me, my profession or these sessions, feel free to ask. So let’s just get started, shall we? What brings you here?’’

 

They shift a bit in their chairs. Gob seems to be able to find some words first.

 

‘’You…you’ve got to help us doc, I mean, I really love Tony and all, but I can’t stop scamming him!’’

 

‘’Same!’’ Tony replies, ‘’I can’t help but try and con him. I’ve been trying real hard to lie less to him,-‘’

 

‘’Same! I’m down to 12 times a day!’’ The proud expression on Gob’s face indicates that that is a _good_ thing.

‘’He is! He’s been really trying, and so have I, but it’s exhausting, you know? Sometimes you just want to relax and let loose and pretend to be someone you’re not.’’

 

Gob nods feverishly in agreeance.

 

‘’Uhm…Let me see if I get this right: you both love each other and have been together for….?’’

 

‘’Two years’’ Tony offers. Holy shit, two years? Something tells me I’ll just have trouble staying with them in this room for one hour. I wonder if they were already both this weird and just complete each other or that being together has drove them both nuts.

 

‘’…two years, and all has been going well…?’’ Nods, okay, ‘’…except for being honest to each other?’’ Another round of nods. Ok, let’s unpack this.

 

‘’And if you speak of misleading each other and lying to each other, what does this entail for you? Perhaps some examples would help provide some more information for me.’’

 

‘’Well, like last week, ‘’ Gob says. He seems to be the more impulsive one. Which seems counterintuitive from his body language, because he gradually had been shifting and is now sitting awfully weird in his chair, slugged down with one leg over the armrest as if he’s at home and about to doze off.  ‘’I saw that Tony was in Poof!...’’

 

‘’Excuse me?’’

 

‘’Poof!’’ Tony clarifies, ‘’It’s a magazine for professional magicians.’’  I feel like I’ll have to make a glossary to converse with these people.

 

‘’Yeah, ‘’ Gob continues, ‘’so he was in there, about his new act doing super well and I just…hid it, hid the whole magazine and told Tony that we hadn’t gotten this month’s subscription and that I called customer service but couldn’t reach them.’’

 

‘’Which I totally bought,’’ Tony says. Does he seem _proud_ of Gob?? ‘’Until I found it under our bed…’’

 

‘’And why did you hide it, Gob?’’ I feel less like a psychologist and more like a mom who’s kids are trying her patience with their nonsense. These are their troubles? They’re weird, super weird, but they both seem to understand and interact fine with each other on some sort of strange level. Just because I don’t understand it, doesn’t mean something needs to be fixed.

 

‘’Uhm…I… _may_ have been a tiny bit jealous, maybe.’’ To Gob’s credit, he seems guilty about it. Finally some right emotions and reactions with these people.

 

‘’So you talked about it then, I assume?’’ I ask.

 

Now Tony speaks up. ‘’There’s a little bit more to it.’’ Of course there is. ‘’See, I found the magazine and saw that a page was missing, so naturally, I didn’t tell Gob and went through his stuff trying to find that page which he obviously didn’t want me to see.’’

 

‘’Naturally,’’ Gob shrugged, ‘’hey, was that when I walked in on you hunched over in the back of our closet? You said you were practicing your hiding skills!’’

 

‘’Yeah, that was lie.’’

 

‘’Good one! Totally made sense to me at the time.’’

What is wrong with these people? In all my years of experience I have never encountered such backwards behavior. Maybe I should ask them if they want to be in a case study? I could finally get my PhD.

 

‘’So, anyway,’’ Tony continues after sharing a smile with Gob, ‘’I found this book of his and guess this? It was full of articles about me! Every article and picture ever printed in magazines or flyers or whatever, they were all in there!’’ He’s almost glowing.

 

‘’That’s lovely. So you weren’t jealous after all, mister Bluth?’’

 

‘’Oh no, I was definitely jealous. But also proud. Tony works so hard, and he can get so stressed out before each performance,’’ Gob sits up and turns to Tony, grabbing his hands in both of his, looking him in the eyes with a soft, loving gaze, which was almost sweet if the premise wasn’t so mind-boggling confusing. ‘’He deserves all that he gets. And more. He’s made my life so much better…he makes me want to be better. Be a better magician also. So I try real hard at it, but..’’

 

I don’t know if they even realize I’m in the room anymore. They’re just staring at each other.

 

‘’But what, Gobie?’’

 

‘’But I can’t seem to get as good as you. I only make the Poof Goofs Column.. and I just….want you to be proud of me too, you know? Sometimes I don’t know what you even get out of being with me..’’

 

‘’Oh Gobie, you idiot, I don’t care what some stupid magazine says! You’re an amazing magician, but most importantly, you are an amazing boyfriend and I wouldn’t want it any other way! I’m so proud of you and I love being with you!’’

 

‘’Same!’’

 

I’ve seen and heard a lot of sappy things in my time as a couples therapist, but these guys are almost making me diabetic.

 

They also look as if they’re about to have sex right in my room, stroking each other’s hands and simultaneously lifting one brow and licking their lips. Well, that’s my cue to step in.

 

‘’So, you two seem really… _capable_ …in communicating with each other. Which is one of the most important parts of a relationship,-‘’

 

‘‘Besides amazing sex!’’

‘’Hell yeah!’’

 

There are two grown ass men high-fiving each other in my office over having sex…with each other….which seems to never have been a problem in the first place if I have to believe them…add that to the things I didn’t think I’d ever see.

 

‘’yes, well, that’s great, but my point is: how come you felt you needed my help? It seems to me that you have worked out quite a…system, if you will, for being together. And it seems to have worked out pretty well for you also. Or is there more? What made you make this appointment after two years of, as you yourselves put it, conning each other?’’ There must be something I’m missing. It’s one weird day if the most dysfunctional people seem to have an apparently highly functioning relationship. I guess two wrongs do make a right.

 

‘’Michael…’’ Gob seethes through clenched teeth.

 

‘’His brother,’’ Tony clarifies, ‘’He’s the one who told us this wouldn’t work.’’

 

‘’Yeah, just because I tricked you into kneeling down in our favorite restaurant by saying I dropped a card from my pocket,  but it was a ring and then when Tony picked it up I screamed ‘I do’, so that the whole restaurant heard it, so he had to marry me and like he was the girly one for asking me.’’ He’s almost pouting as if the only thing wrong with this scenario was his brother’s disapproval.

 

‘’I know, I tried talking to Michael, cause let’s be honest, that was just freaking romantic and not ‘deceitful’ and ‘manipulative’. But he somehow convinced me it wasn’t the way it was supposed to go.’’ Tony looked sad and I do feel for that. I haven’t met anyone who didn’t desperately wanted to ‘feel normal’, or ‘fit in’, or ‘rise to expectations’. I always wondered why we collectively set a standard no one actually seems to achieve.

 

‘’And also, since I’m the one who asked, _I’m_ the guy in the relationship so, ha, joke’s on you.’’ Tony’s looking pretty pleased with himself.

 

‘’Na-ah! See, I actually made you sort of ask me, so I was the one to set it in motion, so I’m both the woman and the man!’’

 

‘’So what, are you marrying yourself or something?’’ Tony seems annoyed. Thank God, that I understand.

 

But then Gob squeezes his hand and whispers, just loud enough for me to hear: ‘’In a way, I am.’’

 

And Tony is actually getting a little teary eyed over this.

 

‘’Same.’’ He whispers back.

 

And even though this is the easiest money I’ve ever made, since I really haven’t said that much, I feel like I should say something.

 

‘’You know, there are people in our lives who want the best for us. But what’s the best is just a matter of opinion and differs from person to person. You both seem really happy and content with the way your relationship works, so why change it?’’

 

Gob breaks eye contact with Tony to look at me.

 

‘’You’re right doc,’’ I should really clarify again that I’m not a doctor in the traditional sense, but then again, why bother if this is probably going to be a one-time session. Also, it feels good to be told I’m right. Hey, I’m only human too.

 

‘’fuck Michael! We should just love each other!’’

 

‘’Yeah!’’ Tony chimes in, excited.

 

Wait, what? That’s not exactly what I meant…

 

But they are up and out the door before the clock even runs out, just a wave and ‘Thanks doc!’ and they’re out.

 

 

Kitty sticks her head into my office.

 

‘’Is everything okay Miss Young?’’

 

‘’Yeah,’’ I reply. And as my nosy neighbor would say: Confused? Ask questions. ‘’Kitty…do you think people can be happy?’’

 

She frowns. I admit that this kind of gloomy question isn’t what you might expect from a therapist at first thought. ‘’….yes, of course. That’s why people come to you, to get happy again.’’

 

And although I do not agree with that phrasing, I somehow get an answer I was searching for. Maybe I’ve been letting years of problems and misery of others get me into a mindset that happiness doesn’t exist. But seeing those two idiots so obviously happy, despite everything that indicates that they shouldn’t be, helps me remember. Happiness is not a goal. It’s a feeling. You can’t set expectations and demands on how it’s supposed to look like, cause then you end up not feeling it.

 

And  I must be losing my own damn mind. But I somehow feel lighter.

 

‘’Thank you Kitty, I agree. Would you be so kind to cancel the rest of my appointments for today?’’ She seems taken aback, but still nods compliantly. Good.

 

 It’s a nice day out, I think I’m going to enjoy it.

 

 


End file.
